Hey great news, everybody: Randy Moss is looking for takers for the upcoming NFL season. Whew! Thank goodness one of the league’s most notorious malcontents has decided to bless us with his presence next year. I can finally exhale. I’ve been waiting for this announcement ever since the Great Randino, in the face of declining skills and increasing attitude, “walked away” from the NFL last August.
"I just wanna go to a team and play some football," Moss announced on Ustream.tv. "Faith, family, and football, that's my M.O., bro. Your boy be back for the upcoming season."
That’s terrific, Randy. So glad that you “just wanna go to a team and play some football.” The thing is…a team is going to have to just wanna sign you. What you conveniently left out of your statement was “on my terms.” Football on your terms is your true M.O., bro.
But alas, people can change, right? So, Randatola, please tell me where you best fit:
You’re 35 years old, have been out of the game for a year, and were benched by your last team for being out of shape and not playing out the routes in which you were not the target. You’re a well documented cancerous growth in the locker room and demanded, before you departed, that you latch on to a winner so that you could get your ring. Yeah, I don’t see a problem with you getting a job at all. Sounds like you fit perfectly within a winning organization’s short term plans. And heck, if no winner wants to grab ya, there will be a long line of developing teams kickin’ in the door for the services of a savvy veteran such as you to guide their youth into the most effective years of their careers.
Oops, sorry. I forgot. We’re giving Ram-a-lama-ding-dong the benefit of the doubt. After all, he had some “real life” stuff to sort out when he hung it up last fall.
"I had to really get out of the fast lane and really get a grasp on what was going on in my real life," he said, adding, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm happy to be in the position I'm in. I've been playing football since I was six-years old. I don't think y'all really realize that. The day I retired took a lot to call it quits, took a lot of guts."
Oh, thank goodness you’re okay. We were all so worried about how you were going to handle real life and your job. None of us knows what that’s like. And get right the heck outta here! You’ve been playing football since you were six years old? Man, that’s nuts. I had no idea you were so dedicated. I’m certain no other players in the NFL can boast such a long competitive history with the game.
And as if the Ran-Man’s ramblings weren’t enough of a study in disconnection, dude closes out by flattering himself with a tale of guts.
Walking away from a Hall of Fame NFL career that made you millions of dollars takes so little guts it boggles the mind. You want to talk mettle and the NFL? Pat Tillman’s willing departure from the National Football League in order to serve his country on the front lines took guts.
You want credit for doing the right thing? For taking care of your family and your "real life?" Sorry, pal. Every day, countless individuals who permanently reside in the real world, who have far less that what you've got, make the decision to care for their families and their friends - make the decision to be there for another in need at their own expense - make the decision to sacrifice where they are not rich, be that in time or in money or in some other subcategory of "real life."
The list of things infinitely gutsier than your account of intestinal fortitude is so exhaustive that I don't even know where to begin. I can only hope that 32 GMs have the guts to toss your number in the trash where it belongs.