Nick's Knacks

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

Heading down to Destin, FL for a wrap around weekend of nothin'.  See you all next Wednesday.

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

Did she legitimately not know, or was this an ill-conceived attempt at humor?  Either way, Oprah takes the Donkey Of The Year Award (so far):

Nice work, O.

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

You may not be able to make chicken salad out of it, but it does wonders on crow’s feet.  Just ask ESPN’s Barry Melrose.  In case you’re not yet on-board, there is obscene language coming…twice, in fact:

Shortly after, ESPN issued the obligatory on-air apology (interestingly enough, not from the mouth of Barry Melrose):

What’s the deal with Dana Jacobson apologizing for “putting him in that position?”  What position?  Asking him a question?  It wasn’t like they hit him with:

“Hey Barry, what’s a two-word slang phrase for coward – 11 letters?”

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

It looks like President Clinton is going to be all right. Admitted to a New York hospital with chest pains, two stents were inserted into one of his coronary arteries and Clinton was released this morning.

Clinton underwent quadruple bypass surgery in 2004.  Photos taken of bypass grafts he received four years ago revealed that one of the grafts was blocked.

The question is: how does a guy’s bypass graft get completely blocked in that short time?  Clinton’s cardiologist, Dr. Allen Schwartz, says lifestyle is not the answer:

"This was not a result of his lifestyle or diet, which have been excellent," he said, adding that Clinton is "in excellent condition, as evidenced both by what he does and objective testing."

Really, Dr. Schwartz?  Then how do you explain this?

It’s roast day for Corey Hart of the Milwaukee Brewers - otherwise known as arbitration. I hope he’s got thick skin, ‘cause it’s gonna get ugly.

Baseball arbitration is sort of like a character witness trial. Each side gets 60 minutes to present their case – the player’s group will argue that he’s worth more than the figure tossed out by the team…the team will argue that their offer is more than fair. Each side will present stats and graphs and comparative analysis to other players in the league. Then each side gets 30 minutes to discredit the other side’s case.

It will get personal, which explains why many teams employ the services of outside firms to do the dirty work. The Brewers have hired a team from New York to smoke Hart. After all, this guy’s going to be playing for you this year.

Statistically, the edge belongs to the owners in these negotiations. But let’s not kid ourselves, the players are the overwhelming champions of the salary arbitration process. The mere possibility of a ruling in favor of the player forces the owner to inflate his initial offer beyond what the player is truly worth.

But the biggest hit comes not in the year of arbitration, but in the negotiations to come. Player X’s pumped up salary establishes a new baseline. And if player X underperforms, that foundation becomes an insanely inflated financial standard of mediocrity…across the league.

Let’s look at Corey Hart’s situation. At $3.25 million in 2009, Hart was wildly overpaid. But here we are, going to arbitration in 2010 because Milwaukee’s offer of $4.15 million falls short of Hart’s desired $4.8 million.

No matter what happens this afternoon, Hart grabs (at least) a $900,000 raise for a .260 season.

Pathetic.

Don’t you wish the process allowed teams to call fans as witnesses?

“The Milwaukee Brewers call Bill from Green Bay to the stand.”

“I drove 110 miles to watch Corey Hart go 0-4 with 3 strikeouts and a pair of runners left in scoring position. He fanned on the same pitch every time – low and away. I knew it was comin’. My kid knew it was comin’. The whole stadium knew it was comin’! But he couldn’t lay off it…AGAIN! Down by 1 with runners on 2nd and 3rd and the loser doesn’t even make contact. And that’s just the one time. The way I figure, that bum owes me $945 for a new flat screen since mine is all spidered after the Cardinals game back on the 18th…”

If I were a member of the Brewers’ representation, I don’t think I would say a word. I would simply pop in a 60 minute DVD of lowlight after lowlight after lowlight of his 2009 season. For my rebuttal, I’d grab another 30 minute reel. That’d be it. Just 90 minutes of stuff like this:

P.S. – Corey, you have too much ink, and your entrance music sucks.  I think that should be taken into consideration, as well.

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

When we make the Super Bowl, we get CWA:

When New Orleans makes the Super Bowl, we get X-Man, Bigshott, Big Rec, & Kuniqua:

Dang.  If that didn’t give you goosebumps, check yourself for a pulse.  That’s freaky-good …not to mention original.  Here are some other gems from The Crescent City: 

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

Fans of the Packers and the Vikings can get along after all. Quite well, it seems. At least that's what mancrunch.com would have us believe. The gay dating site submitted this spot for Super Bowl XLIV:

But you won’t be seeing that ad featured during the Super Bowl. CBS issued the following rejection (in letter form):

“CBS Standards and Practices has reviewed your proposed Super Bowl ad and concluded that the creative is not within the Network’s Broadcast Standards for Super Bowl Sunday. Moreover, our Sales Department has had difficulty verifying your organization’s credit status.”

Naturally, mancrunch.com has issue a statement of its own:

“We are very disappointed that in 2010 such discrimination is happening especially given the fact that Focus on the Family is allowed to promote their way of life during the Super Bowl,” a rep for the site told FOXNews.com.

Touché.

Here’s the thing, though. The ad sucks. The old “hands meeting the community bowl of snacks” deal is more played out than…I don’t know…something that’s really played out. CBS was absolutely right in trashing its absence of creativity, and absolutely within their right to reject based on that criterion.

But it seems CBS couldn’t leave well enough alone. They had to close with a “moreover...” Why? You guys had an airtight defense in the fact that the ad itself is crappy. End of story. No more explanation needed.

I hate the discrimination play here. It’s a crutch. But that last, superfluous jab does leave a bad taste, doesn't it?

When is it time to hang it up in the name of diminishing returns? Yeah, yeah, Brett Favre…blah, blah, blah. I’m not talkin’ about Favre. I’m talkin’ about Chris Lukawski – die-hard Packers fan and, as it turns out, die-hard binge drinker, as well.

Another memorable trip to the steam room begins now. Click Here.

Like a good movie, the more you watch, the more you pick up. Brilliant Gumby’s Pizza reference within. If you’ve never sampled Gumby’s Pizza, do yourself a favor and drive to Madison. I think Madison is the closest one. Gumby’s Pizza…home of the Pokey Stix.

Gumby’s is pretty much a University phenomenon, and for good reason. It’s really not that good. It’s basically Domino’s with a better mascot. Although the Noid was all right. Domino’s did well with the Noid.

Not that Domino’s is a bad pizza. After all, they’re new and improved! It’s just…you know what?...I’m sure you get it. No need to belabor the point.

Now that I’ve worked through this a little, don’t drive to Madison. It’s not worth it. But if you’re ever in Mad-Town, maybe for the hoops tourney in March, stop in to Gumby’s. At least you can say you did it. For whatever that’s worth.

You know what? Never mind. Just forget I ever championed the cause of Gumby’s, because you might be going through Madison, and you might be hungry, and you might think to yourself, “Hey, Nick said I should try that Gumby’s place.” So you might go, and you might eat, and you’ll likely think to yourself, “That kinda sucked.” I don’t know if I want that kind of heat.

So if you’ve had Gumby’s before, you probably enjoyed this blog. If you’ve never sampled Gumby’s, you probably found this blog useless. A lot like you’d probably find Gumby’s Pizza.

They do have great deals, though.

Sixteen days until pitchers and catchers report.  Sixteen more days of unsubstantiated prophesy. 

The off-season is a great time…in any sport.  They are the days of endless optimism – when a guy will bounce back from injury; when the team will be deeper and more experienced; when the rookies will not only make the team, but make an impact.

The off-season is hope for a better tomorrow.  In the case of champions, the beginning of a dynasty.

The Milwaukee Brewers have made a number of high potential, low risk acquisitions this off-season.  One of those is Carlos Gomez, formerly of the Minnesota Twins.  I don’t know how Gomez will produce.  But I do know this:

Three guys + a Casio + a ukulele = magic.

I missed the SNL tribute to their best sports sketches past and present.  I can only hope that this one made the cut.  It remains one of my favorite bits ever:

On Friday, Z and I “wagered” on-air on the Kurt Warner retirement press conference. Would there be tears? Z was a confident yes. I was a self-assured no.

My reasoning was this: Kurt Warner does not define himself as a professional football player. For Kurt Warner, professional football is what he does, not who he is. So unlike Emmitt Smith and Brett Favre and others we have watched sob uncontrollably at the retirement podium, Kurt Warner would stand confidently and appreciatively, and eagerly embrace the next chapter in his life. For Kurt Warner, there would be no identity lost, merely a story yet unwritten.

That’s how I saw it unfolding.

Now I will admit, there was a sniffle as he thanked his family members one-by-one, but I’m pleased to announce…boom, whoa, st-stamp:

Not a tear, baby!

You can watch the entire presser HERE.