Nick's Knacks Nick's Knacks

  • Am I Missing Something?

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    I’m not an addict. I’ve never sought help for a vice. I’ve never invoked a twelve-step method to tackle a personal demon. I’m not coming from a place of experience on this topic.

    But something about Tiger’s alleged sexual addiction has always troubled me.

    We all know the story: Tiger’s professional career keeps him out on the road and out of Elin’s sight for the greater part of the calendar year. He eats, sleeps, golfs, and hooks up with chicks who are not his wife – in varying degrees of order. Once caught, he invokes the “sexual addiction” defense, seeks treatment, and now embarks on a renewed journey.

    Fine. Whatever. Here’s where I get a little lost.

    By all reports, Tiger’s infidelities took place in conjunction with his tournament action. While he was away, el Tigre would play, so to speak. The PGA tour was his enabler. That’s not to say that he wouldn’t have found a way to shag outside the home if he was workin’ the 9-5 cubicle, but golf certainly provided a greater means to step out on the wife – financially and geographically. It seems to me that his career is pretty germane to his addiction.

    So now that he is a “recovering sex addict,” wouldn’t it stand to reason that critical to his healing is distance from all that feeds his greatest weakness – severance from the associations that nourish his infidelity?

    Courses, hotels, restaurants, airlines, who knows what else will certainly trigger Tiger’s wayward desires. They are forever linked by routine. They will forever tempt by familiarity.

    Alcoholics don’t tend bar. Heroin addicts don’t oversee dosing at the methadone clinic. If he’s truly an addict. Tiger shouldn’t be touring.

  • Away We Go!

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Much to the chagrin of spoken-for ladies throughout the great state of Wisconsin, it’s opening day! Sorry, chicas, your men will be tied up for approximately 500 hours over the span of the next 180 or so days. Dinner, date nights, chores…pretty much everything will be scheduled around the diamond action.

    Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t ladies who are interested in taking it in with their men. My wife is a big fan of the Crew, and is not only a participant in our home, but a staunch supporter of my obsession. But there is an abyss between passion and mania. I’m in the latter. She’s the former. And truthfully, the greatest motivation behind her zeal is to see me happy.

    I’ll be happy with 85 this year from the Brewers - and if the Cubs, the Cards, the Reds, and the Crew beat on one another all season long, as I suspect they will, 85 just might win the division. But hey, it’s opening day. 162-0 is still possible!

  • cry

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Rarely does one wish to fast-forward through the weekend in anticipation of Monday morning…but this is one of those Fridays. I’d have to hot tub time machine it back to October 2, 2009 to find the last time these bubbles of eagerness so freely danced within my belly. Then it was the Packers and the Vikings in waiting. Today it is the Brewers and the Rockies.

    One more weekend devoid of meaningful Milwaukee Brewers baseball.

    The opening day lineup remains somewhat in a state of flux. A few things are certain: nine guys will start - Braun and Fielder will bat 3-4 – Gallardo will bat last. For the most part we know the guys, and for the most part we know where those guys will fall, but until Kenny posts it in the clubhouse, it’s not a done deal.

    I’ve got some concerns about the 2010 Brewers, but all-in-all, I think we’ll be competitive. Let’s take a look at the prospective Opening Day nine:

  • Z Calls It

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    So Siobhan didn’t even sniff elimination last night, blowing my triangular theory out of the water.  Evidently, one can…

    • Be weird.
    • Perform first.
    • Perform poorly.

    …and still make it through. 

    Unfortunately for overemotional types everywhere, Didi Benami was not so lucky:

  • Two Can Play This Game

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Pat Venditte is as honest fellow. 

    “I don’t have overpowering stuff from either side,” he says, “so I think I really need this.”

    What is “this?”  Take a look:

    The rule referenced in the video didn’t come about as a result of a forward thinking baseball official.  Quite the contrary.  Like many modifications to the games we love, its creation was a product of one of those “I never thought of that” moments:

    Venditte put his stuff on display for the Yankees in a spring training game yesterday, and did all right – 1.1 IP - 1ER – 2H – 1BB.  By all accounts, he has a ways to go, but you can’t help but pull for the guy…not because of the circus act that is his ambidextrous style, but because it’d be nice for a guy out of the pen to last more than one batter before getting yanked!

    In case you’re wondering exactly what the Venditte rule is:

    • The pitcher must visually indicate to the umpire, batter and runner(s) which way he will begin pitching to the batter. Engaging the rubber with the glove on a particular hand is considered a definitive commitment to which arm he will throw with. The batter will then choose which side of the plate he will bat from.

    • The pitcher must throw one pitch to the batter before any "switch" by either player is allowed.

    • After one pitch is thrown, the pitcher and batter may each change positions one time per at-bat. For example, if the pitcher changes from right-handed to left-handed and the batter then changes batter's boxes, each player must remain that way for the duration of that at-bat (unless the offensive team substitutes a pinch hitter, and then each player may again "switch" one time).

    • Any switch (by either the pitcher or the batter) must be clearly indicated to the umpire.

    • There will be no warm-up pitches during the change of arms.

    • If an injury occurs the pitcher may change arms but not use that arm again during the remainder of the game.

  • The Clock is Ticking

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Enjoy it while you can American Idol fans, for the ultimate reality show is displaying all the signs of extinction:

    • Seacrest is annoyingly over the top with his pointed jabs and dramatic pauses.
    • The production crew has developed new features (such as the green room camera) to distract you from the fact that…
    • The talent is as weak as it’s ever been.
    • And Simon is leaving, effective the crowning of this year’s champ.

    It’s about time for A.I. to introduce a new kid to the cast, isn’t it?  Gimme an Oliver (Brady Bunch), a Sam (Diff’rent Strokes), an Andrew (Family Ties), a Luke (Growing Pains), a Scrappy Doo…so we can finally end this. 

    But alas, the show still goes on.  And so we still vlog…

  • The Paradox

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Rusty Nail

    The pairing of “rusty” and “nail” conjures up childhood memories of a tree house, a pediatrics office, a long, tetanus booster filled syringe, and three days of injection site soreness.

    I was a hypochondriac in youth, and episodes like the aforementioned served only to enhance my paranoia. Every cut, every bruise, every ache and pain was an underlying symptom of something far more serious…likely deadly. I don’t know how my parents put up with me sometimes, though I think they do assume some responsibility for shaping my suspicions.

    Hospitals and doctors weren’t oft utilized in my family. We had our normal physicals and occasional ER runs, and my sinuses were good for three to five Dr. Burke visits a year, but for the most part, we took care of our maladies at home. “You’re Fine. Sleep on it,” was a frequent utterance of my father. Truth be told, I now look back on his approach and find sanity in it. If we had zipped over to St. Joe’s Hospital every time we beyatched about somethin’, there’d have been named a Vitrano wing before I hit first grade. And hey, my parents did the best they could – and their best was pretty darn good.

    But there were multiple instances in which “sleep on it” fell well short of the right thing to do. “Dad, my arm is broken. Seriously. I know it’s broken.”

    Now, in the case of a rusty nail piercing the flesh, it’s not paranoia to insist upon medical attention. Rusty nails were hazardous in youth, and remain so in adulthood. Until this past weekend, there was little good that I could say about a rusty nail.

    Then I went to Kroll’s West.

    My wife and I hit Kroll’s West for perch on Friday and stopped into the bar on the way out for a cocktail with our man Jason – yeah, the same Jason that comes on the show every Tuesday.

    The gracious host that he is, Jason offered to buy us each a drink. “Old fashioned…rusty nail…what can I get ya?”

    Against my better judgment, I threw caution to the wind and went with the nemesis of my youth – the rusty nail. Scotch. Drambuie. Done. Just that simple…and oh so delicious.

    Scothc

    The paradox that is the rusty nail – though I’m certain that this rusty nail and that of my youth trigger the same effects in a man. So I guess it’s not so paradoxical after all.

  • See Ya

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Photo courtesy of Creative Commons

    Buh Buye

    As I predicted yesterday, Paige Miles ate it last night on American Idol. Unfortunately, her exit is bittersweet, for it means that Tim Urban will be touring this summer. What can you do? Life isn’t fair.

    I suppose something could be done, but that would be neither legal nor moral, and I am in no way endorsing or encouraging anyone to take action against Tim. He is merely the beneficiary of a warped voting public. Fault not the man. Fault ourselves.

    So let us erase Paige from our American Idol big board, and restore Tim as best we can:

  • Turn the Paige

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    11 contestants. Only 10 will tour.

    Sorry, Paige. I didn’t think it was possible to out-heinous Tim Urban, but you found a way. Thanks for playing. Do not pass go…do not collect $200.

    This would be a good time to jump in that hot tub time machine and head back to the day when your family and friends convinced you that you had “it.”

     

  • Rip Van Winkle Gymnasium Roused From Slumber

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    Dunking is cool. Dunking in high school is even cooler. Forcing the relocation of a game (mid-game) because of a high school dunk is possibly the coolest ever:

    Courtesy of WZZM13.com:

    The MHSAA boys regional finals game between Rockford and Grand Haven was moved from Grandville to Jenison High School tonight after a player shattered a backboard during a slam dunk.

    WZZM 13's Dan Harland covered the game tonight at Grandville High School. He reports Grand Haven senior center Nate Van Arendonk was going for the dunk with Grand Haven leading, 18-15, with 2:37 left in the 3rd quarter. Van Arendonk's dunk shattered the backboard.

    Game officials tried bringing in an alternate backboard, but at 8 p.m., they decided to move the game to Jenison High School.

    Grand Haven won the game and the regional championship 39-36.

    Reported by WZZM 13 Sports Dan Harland

    So yeah…awesome dunk…funny story, but read through it again. Anything stand out to you? Take another look if you’re not yet there. See it? 18-15 with 2:37 left in the 3rd quarter? What a crappy game! How did either of these teams make it through the regional semifinal?

    Thank God Van Arendonk did shatter the backboard or that gymnasium might still be sleeping.

  • No Wake Zone

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    The recent warm-up doesn’t have the makings of a typical Wisconsin false spring. We weren’t 56 then 31 then 62 then snow. It’s actually been a pretty consistent stretch. Naturally, we’re all a little excited to get a jump on the summertime fun. After all, Mother Nature goes from smilie to beyatch real quickly around here.

    But I caution you. While the urge to flip off Punxsutawney Phil and his poor prognosticating prowess is strong…we’re not yet entirely in the clear:

    Ice Jump

    Now that I'm done laughing and I've changed my pants, I hope the dude's okay.

  • Video Blog - "1st " Attempt

    Posted by Nick Vitrano

    So I got my rear end smoked in the American Idol “Watch It: Yes or No?” poll yesterday. But c’mon, more people watch this show every week than tune in to Monday Night Football. I know I’m not the only dude in our listening audience taking it in.

    My theory: you fellas out there fear man-card revocation for coming clean, so you hide, like a closet glam rock fanatic. You know you bought “Look What the Cat Dragged In.”

    So here it goes. Against what the poll numbers would indicate, Z and I have backed this A.I. Video Blog up to the launch pad: